Never Ruthless and Other Tidbits

Welcome to my very own little bloggenzie! Since '04 has begun its belated process of separation, I figured it was time to follow Meg's lead and jot down my Minnesotan activities for your perusal. As an inaugural post, I present the following feature:

Twenty-Two Need-To-Knows

1) I am never ruthless. When you consider that my middle name is Ruth, it's pretty clear that ruthlessness is impossible for me.
2) When wearing headphones in public, I sing pop music under my breath. When not wearing headphones in public, I sing (mostly) Renaissance music under my breath. There is simply no stopping the soundtrack in my head.
3) Squirrels throw things at me. As a result, I am afraid of them.
4) I really would like to have a little tap-dancing man living in my coat pocket. As I have explained elsewhere, I would provide him with a dainty piece of balsa wood, and he would alternately wear clogs and tap shoes, depending on what sort of jig he wanted to perform.
5) One of the graduate programs to which I was admitted would have presented me with a M.S.Ed. The idea that I could have been a legitimate Master of Science is, really, laughable.
6) I am the shortest person in my immediate family.
7) My REM-created life is much more exciting than my real one. I used to dream about taking in my dry cleaning. Of late, however, I have chopped off my own hand and, independently, someone else’s leg (he wanted to date a one-legged girl, and chased me around for quite some time because I chopped it at an angle and he wanted me to round it off). I was yelled at by a thesis interviewee and a Super Target security guard convinced that my friends and I were on drugs in the patio furniture section (after capturing us, he tried to feed us mangoes filled with marijuana to frame us). Other locations have included a Sin City/Florence hybrid, the Underworld, and a wedding in New Ulm (entertainment – well-executed song and dance numbers – provided by a very showy HGC). Most recently, I dreamt that Jon Stewart announced he would be attending the wedding of his niece – my cousin – during a segment on The Daily Show. I was surprised, since before this revelation, I never realized that we were related. He must have been neglecting his family reunion duties.
8) In high school, I was recruited into a community polka band.
9) I prefer warmth to cold, snow to rain, and almost anything to Boston slush.
10) Other people only laugh at my jokes if they a) share my sense of humor (rare), or b) are wildly entertained by the fact that I laugh hysterically even when repeating something “funny” for the fourteen-teenth time.
11) I have never been stung by a bee (and I would not like to be[e]…HAHAHAH [see above]).
12) I am addicted to spellchecking.
13) One time I hit myself in the face. I woke up having slept wrong on my left arm, thereby cutting off all its circulation. I was still half asleep, lying on my back under my comforter, but was utterly fascinated by the fact that my entire arm was numb. So I did what any curious person would: I used my right hand to stretch out my left arm, and promptly let go. Since it was, indeed, numb, it fell back directly onto my face. That was my finest hour, I think.
14) I hate scary movies, but have somehow been convinced to watch a number of them anyway (*cough cough* Meg).
15) I like the smells of paper and redwood chips. Oh, and, like, flowers and laundry and such.
16) I could live on chocolate for a goodly amount of time.
17) Despite going off to get me some citified learnin’, I am still hopelessly naïve. Case in point: while driving to Kansas City with Jacque last summer, we pulled up behind a red semi. Usually, such huge trucks have plaques on the back cautioning other drivers of wide turns and lengthy blind spots. This vehicle was missing its official warning sign, but a handwritten notice was posted in its place: “Show your [drawing of two circles with dots in the middle]”.
Emily to Jacque: “Oh, look, show your eyes. You’re supposed to make eye contact with the driver in his side mirror, I guess.”
Jacque to Emily: “Those aren’t eyes – he wants you to flash him!”
Oh.
18) I have broken two bones, one playing basketball and one playing duck duck grey duck. One required physical therapy to restore full motion; can you guess which?
19) The most well-received phrase I have written during my current period of employment is “an expectation of radishes”. It makes sense in context.
20) My bagpipe impression is second to none.
21) I am not blonde.
22) I am twenty-two, and will be for another eighty-eight days. Not that I’m keeping track…