Life, The Universe, Et Al.

Because few of you have experienced the wonderment that is Sleepy Eye, I have decided to present, in installments, a handy and definitive guide of everything you need to know about life in this lovely Midwestern hamlet. So, without further ado:

SLEEPY EYE: An Owner’s Manual
first in an interminable series

Congratulations! Whether you’ve come to us because of our low, low prices and 0.9% APR financing or due to our enticing short-term no-money-down rental plan, we know that Sleepy Eye will prove to be the perfect town for you. In this guide, you will find all manner of information pertaining to the smooth day-to-day operation of the town. It is vital that you familiarize yourself with this information; by doing so, you will ensure an optimum Sleepy Eye experience.

Chapter One: Deviant Behavior, or How Rules Are Made To Be Broken

1) The postal service will deliver your mail even if the sender has neglected to include your street address.

The Harvard Club of MN, our Minneapolis-based alumni association, addressed my invitation to its annual summer barbecue to:
Me
c/o My Parents
Sleepy Eye, MN 56085
It’s good to know that the whole house number/street name thing is actually superfluous. (Those wishing to send cookies or sparkly objects, take note. Those wishing to forward chain letters and outstanding [as in overdue, not amazingly wonderful] bills, uh, don’t so much take note.)

2) Vigilante lawn mowing is on the rise.

As I was walking the two blocks from the office to my house, a woman on a riding mower zipped across the sidewalk, out a driveway, and down the street. Now, just prior to this getaway she had been mowing a lawn, as one is wont to do when occupying a lawn mower. Her speedy, mower-assisted departure raised a troubling set of questions in my mind. If the newly-mowed lawn belonged to the woman mowing, why did she tool off atop the mower? Wouldn’t it have been more convenient to, oh, I don’t know, park the mower and drive the car that was sitting in the driveway? Conversely, if the woman drove away on the mower because it was her only mode of transportation (i.e. the car sitting in the driveway, and, indeed, the driveway itself, didn’t belong to her) then WHY was she mowing a random lawn?

Thinking about it now, I admit that a number of plausible explanations come to mind. I am convinced, however, that the woman was a vigilante lawn mower, intent on protecting the town from overgrown grass and towering dandelions.

3) A favorite local summer activity involves thievery and pyromania.

That’s right – bonfire season has arrived. (What, you thought only the British had such festivities? No, my friends, in SE we uphold the great tradition of lighting fires and setting off fireworks simultaneously. Here, though, things are ignited without any sort of symbolic or celebratory significance.) It isn’t exactly legal to have real bonfires – and by “real” I mean “immensely gigantic” – within the city limits. Fortunately, Tom (Ian’s best friend from high school) and his brother Dan are gracious enough to host frequent gatherings. They live on a farm just outside of town, and their property contains valley that hides a creek and sandbar/island (the status of the landmass depends on rainfall). The thinking behind the creation of this year's bonfires seems to be, "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to steal stacks of wood pallets from the town printing company, assemble them in a two-tiered arrangement, and then burn them?"

In fact, it is fun indeed. Of course, it's hard to get close to the fire when the flames shoot thirty feet in the air and are clearly visible for a few miles. And it's rather difficult to add wood to the fire once the blaze begins to settle down. On the upside, flashlights have been rendered unnecessary and the boys are getting a lot of medieval-castle-storming practice as they use the pallets as makeshift shields when approaching the flames. Now, if only the inferno didn’t incinerate marshmallows…